Adopted by rank strangers in 2009, LeBron began her campaign for President almost immediately. She was comfortable with the face-to-face person-canine contact required of all great candidates. Able to switch quickly from barking for attention to overwhelming her constituents with playful licks to the face, LeBron was a natural at winning people to her side.
"Awwwwwwww," said local voter Marie Johnson. "Who's a cute puppy? Yes, you are. Yes, you are."
In 2010, LeBron attended law school at the University of Minnesota. She studied constitutional law to get a firm handle on the advanced principles she'd need later in her political career. An excellent student from the first day, LeBron showed an aptitude which was unexpected.
"I have to admit this shit to you." explains U of M law professor John Hamburg. "When LeBron wandered past the door of the classroom, then back in front of the doorway and then kind of hesitantly entered the room and fucking cocked her head expectantly, I thought, 'Whose fucking dog is this?'. Then I realized this dog was in the fucking class like a goddamn straight-to-video Disney movie."
LeBron was on the dean's list her entire academic career and graduated summa cum laude in 2012. Shortly afterward she began working for a local Minneapolis special interest group where she showed herself to be a prodigious talent. She successfully lobbied for increased parks funding, school lunch programs and the introduction of the two-hour midday nap.
In 2013, LeBron began to address her ultimate goal of a political career. Setting her sights on the Minneapolis mayorship, she campaigned night and day (minus two hours) by ringing doorbells and appearing with local celebrities in a full-court press unheard of previously.
"The crazy thing is you think, 'This is just unhuman,'," says campaign manager Inez Munoz. "Then you remember LeBron is a dog and it really is unhuman. She has a secret well of doggie power which gives her an extra gear she can go into and just blow people away."
Elected by a landslide, LeBron's time in Minneapolis was short. With her eyes set to Washington, she accepted the Governor's 2014 invitation to replace resigning Senator Al Franken who was leaving to pursue a career in something else I don't know what. Six months later the people of Minnesota concurred with the governor's decision and elected to another six years in office.
Still LeBron's gaze cast higher with 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue as her ultimate goal. She quickly formed an exploratory committee and announced her candidacy in late 2015. Often winning debates by barking until her opponent was quieted (How you like them apples?) and garnering endorsements from both sides of the aisle, LeBron was swept into office on a tidal wave of voter support.
"There was the fucking-shit-ass matter of whether you counted her age in dog years or in fucking people years," says Hamburg. "Then it occurs to you she knew this was an issue and was fucking thinking ahead all the fucking way back in 2010. I mean, fuck."
The LeBron Administration created broad initiatives such as no-leash laws, an end to animal testing and the flat tax. A firm believer in term limits, LeBron stuck by her ideals and served only one term in office before retiring from public life in 2020. She returned to the home of her adoptive strangers where she lived out the rest of her days just chillin' doooood. Shortly after her 14th birthday she went to live on some farm somewhere or something where she could chase tennis balls or something. Dan couldn't explain it very well through the tears so I'm confused, especially since we don't have cousins on Dad's side who own a farm.
"Yes, you are," recalls Johnson. "Just so cute. Sooooooo cute."
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