Why I'm White

I finished Christian Lander's new book "Whiter Shade of Pale" A few months ago now and it's taken me a while to write about this a wonderful skewering of elitist liberal culture. An expansion and update of his super-successful Stuff White People Like blog and ensuing book deal, Whiter Shade of Pale takes us across the United States and into the womb-like pockets of true White America.

The amazing part about Stuff White People Like is it is the rare instance of the subject also being the target audience. Those amongst the right and the uncool aren't privy to what makes White America ridiculous so their criticisms lack wit. It is the type of comedy which doesn't come from Us vs. Them but Us vs. Us. As such you laugh at the same time as thinking "Am I really like that?"

Reasons I Am A White Person

1.) My family is Republican and I'm not.

But by "my family" I mean anyone I'm related to over the age of 50. Basically if you are from the generation ahead of mine in my family, they did a really good job providing for their children thru determination and hard work. Now that they've paid for my entire college tuition (all 5 years), I'd appreciate if they'd give back all of the money they earned. Not because they've stopped working hard. Just because I saw the enormous positive influence that money had on my life and can't imagine anyone else would have to go without those advantages either. The irony is fighting to keep it for themselves in the name of dedication and hard work is the same thing as fighting to eventually give most of it to me, someone who didn't earn it. So I'm going to be the unwitting benefactor of a system tipped in my favor while the future George Washington Carvers & Jonas Salks will have to deal with shoddy science books. Meanwhile the future Howard Zinn will just shake his head.

2.) I don't follow ANY religion.

Don't let my grandmother read this. But the last time I went to church when it wasn't a wedding, ordination or funeral was 2005. Not a big deal, you say? The Church isn't for everyone? More spiritual than religious? Yeah, I'm not into that either. Here's a quick rundown of my "religious" beliefs; If you're going to follow a system of values professed by a human, they should be the ones which focus on humanity. Any mythology not relating to life as we know it is irrelevant. I get that it was metaphorical and meant for a less-educated audience. I'm a more-educated audience and for me the holy trinity begins with Freud, Nietzsche & Marx. Our worldly problems have real-world causes and we have the very real capability and responsibility to fix them. Leave the ghosts to Hamlet. Or, even better, leave them to Scooby Doo.

3.) I like a lot of things that are listed in the book.

Including the first book, I'm guilty of liking the following:

Coffee, Barack Obama, Wes Anderson Movies, Having Black Friends, International Travel, David Sedaris, Not Having A TV, Wrigley Field, Architecture, Brunch, Arrested Development, Netflix, Indie Music, Sushi, Plays, Liberal Arts Degrees, Irony, Dogs, Documentaries, Japan, Bicycles, Knowing What's Best For Poor People, Recycling, Standing Still At Concerts, Michel Gondry, Mos Def, Difficult Breakups, Threatening to Move to Canada, The Idea of Soccer, Hating Corporations, T-shirts, Shorts, Having Gay Friends, St. Patrick's Day, San Francisco, Music Piracy, New Balance Shoes, Beards, Noam Chomsky, Self-Deprecating Humor, Integrity, The Criterion Collection, High School English Teachers, Free Health Care, Che Guevarra, Non-American News Sources, Subtitles, The ACLU, Platonic Friendships, Dave Chappelle, Nintendo Wii, The Simpsons, Avoiding Confrontation, Books, Music Festivals, Glasses, McSweeney's, Hardwood Floors, Bakeries, Modern Art Museums, Cheese, Self-Importance, Conan O'Brien, British Slang, Anthony Bourdain, Nannies, Messenger Bags, Punk Rock, Promising To Learn A New Language, The World Cup, Self-Aware Hip-Hop References, Trivia, Whole Wheat, Ugly Sweater Parties, Monty Python, The Onion, Short Stories, Alternative Newspapers, Losing Weight, Trader Joe's, Supporting The Troops But Not The War, Bob Marley, Road Trips, Girls With Bangs, Swimming, Google, Hummus, Olives, Facebook, Cult Movies, The Big Liebowski, Peacoats, Vice Magazine's Dos and Don'ts, Punctuality, Waiting In Line, Taking A Year Off, The Winter Olympics, The Office, Banksy and Being Offended.

Mea Culpa

And in the face of such glaring evidence I have to plea guilty because the truest mark of a White Person is the hypocrisy of believing you aren't when you very clearly are. One of my heroes is George Carlin and one of his funniest stories is of the night he heard a couple talking in the front row of his show. The husband was upset by one of Carlin's jokes and Carlin overheard the wife say to the husband, "It's okay, honey. He isn't talking about us." I laugh at Stuff White People Like because I get to laugh at an unobstructed view of myself.