"Ready Player One" By Ernest Cline

1. I liked it. 1.1. As a science fiction novel. 1.1.1. The concept was good. 1.1.1.1. The immersive virtual reality hook was interesting enough to hold my attention. 1.1.1.1.1 Even if the idea of an immersive virtual reality isn't new. [a] 1.1.2. The setting was believable. 1.1.2.1. It was desolate without being desperate. 1.1.2.1.1 Hope is very important in sci-fi. 1.1.2.1.1.1 Why else would you want to go there? 1.1.3. The technology was believable. 1.1.3.1 It's given parameters which seem possible but also advanced. 1.1.3.2. If the parameters were unbelievable, why not just make them magic? 1.2. As a mystery novel. 1.2.1. The most basic version of the story is "Wade is a detective looking for a lost object." 1.3. As bildungsroman. 1.3.1. The characters are dynamic and have changed by the end of the book. 1.3.1.1. They have experienced psychological growth. 1.3.1.1.1. Wade in particular has grown from being an loner with low confidence to someone who leads. 1.3.1.2. They have experienced moral growth. 1.3.1.2.1. By the end Wade's plan of what to do with the money is very different from his plan in the beginning. 1.3.2. Cline included a Wise Old Man character. 1.3.2.1. As you know the archetype is often presented as a wizard. 1.3.2.1.1. Especially to knights seeking the Holy Grail. 1.3.2.2. As you know the archetype is often presented as a hermit. 2. I felt like it could've done better. 2.1. By ditching the 1980s theme. 2.1.1. There was nothing essential about the theme to the telling of the story. 2.1.1.1. The thing Halliday was obsessed with/nostalgic for could've been anything. 2.1.1.1.1. If it's completely interchangeable, there's no gravity to its inclusion. 2.1.1.2. [b] It was "inflicting your research on the reader". 2.1.1.2.1. Cline is showing off how much he knows instead of bringing the reader in. 2.2. By spreading the narration around. 2.2.1. Recognize there is more than one interesting character in the book. 2.2.2. Emphasize the massiveness of this MMORPG. 2.2.2.1. Showing us only one character's story is like showing the Grand Canyon thru only one family's vacation there. 2.2.3. Introduce characters who come back later in small cameos. [c] 2.2.3.1. The main character may not recognize them but the audience will. 2.2.3.1.1. Punching thru the fourth wall reminds the reader they themselves are experiencing a virtual reality. 2.2.3.1.1. (Albeit via a 560 year old technology.) 3. It should've been more ambitious. 3.1. Be more literary. 3.1.1. The writing itself was too sophomoric. 3.1.2. Talk about how the characters feel. 3.1.2.1. Not merely their motivations for doing things. 3.1.2.2. Empathy creates a strong connection between the character and the reader. 3.2. Be more like a videogame. 3.2.1. Videogames are interactive by their nature. 3.2.1.1. The first thing they ask you to do is explore. 3.2.1.1.1. Exploring is immersive. 3.2.1.2. They leave you clues and ask you to make the connections. 3.2.1.2.1. Even if they explicitly spell them out later to move the plot forward. 3.3. Be open-ended. 3.3.1. The problems this world is experiencing aren't going away overnite. [d] 3.3.2. Suggest the next bad guy. 3.3.2.1. Show how the stakes have now raised. [e] 3.3.2.2. Every all-powerful hero needs a villain who could defeat him. 3.3.2.2.1. Turn the hero's powers against the good guys. 3.3.2.2.1.1 Especially turn it against the hero himself. 3.3.3. Tidy endings are boring. 3.3.3.1. Putting a bow on the story shows how limited it is. 3.3.3.1.2. It implies the author has exhausted their idea completely 3.3.3.1.1. It doesn't encourage the reader to carry the book on with them after they've set it down. 3.3.3.2. The coolest feeling in the world is setting a book down and anticipating the next one coming out. [a] The Matrix for an example. [b] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3oYa5PizPFs [c] Like the "puking Oreos" guy on page 274. [d] Blowing up The Death Star didn't overthrow The Empire. [e] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sc_rYMYiDxA

The Visible Man

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
Going to read @CKlosterman's new book #Visible Man today in a day. Waiting for @magersandquinn to open at 10. Will live tweet w/ pg. #s.

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
And, yes, I will spoiler alert everything. I know you're all waiting to read it yourselves.
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
Leaving the house to pick up coffee (prepared), coffee (unprepared) and #VisibleMan.
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 1 I'm starting the novel with no previous notions of what it is about other than it's a @CKlosterman book.
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 2 Fiction v. Non-fiction. Veracity. Truth?
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 5 Unreliable narrator?
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 9 Has anyone tried e-mailing thevickster@gmail.com? Trying. Didn't immed. bounce back.
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 13 George Harrison "Be Here Now" youtube.com/watch?v=He2yrz…
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 20 "his pseudologia fantastica [footnote: This is more commonly referred to a pathological lying.]"
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 21 Book misuses Heisenberg Uncertainty in the usual way. Can't know bc of a mechanical reason, not theoretical.
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 22 Guilt vs sensation of guilt. Objective vs. subjective.
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert This book so far prompted me to look up and listen to The Jayhawks' "Blue" online.
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 31 "Tall people are naturally confident. History has proven this- Alexander, Wilt Chamberlain, Gisele."
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 46 Not trusting that the type of people who read his books would also be able to hang w/ theoretical ideas?
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 57 Ha! Ha, ha, ha. Small admission; I'd totally do that.
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 59 Another small admission; I do that too.
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 62 I've actually watched that Yao Ming documentary and have a hilarious & heart-touching story about it.
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 83 "He wasn't there, and then he wasn't there."
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 87 Now the book can start for real. Everything before this has been pretext, scene-setting. Now comes the book.
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 88 The narrative seems H.G. Wells until I thought about it. Its actually Henry James "Turn Of The Screw"-esque.
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 92 I find the word "she-wolf" funny.
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 100 Had an experience like this recently w/ my GF. Well, all the details are different. But it's close feeling.
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 101 Daniel Johnston - The Beatles youtube.com/watch?v=YbBXkF…
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 103 "agency"
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 105 en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Deck…
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 105 Also, Mary Decker iconicphotos.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/davidb…
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 114 I wonder what McLuhan would think of "The process was always the problem."
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 121 en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tarahumara
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 146 Only kind of aware of what's going on. But this feels like the peak of the book coming up.
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 131 "It's like trying to using math to figure out history." I wonder what Bill James would think of that.
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 147 A little "There Will Be Blood" love has me turning on the soundtrack.
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 134 Made me think of edped.tumblr.com/post/753554181…
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#NowPlaying There Will Be Blood – Prospectors Arrive open.spotify.com/track/5gHu56UX…
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 160 "agency"
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 161 Jooky MaGoo is a real band. myspace.com/pistolwhipoffi…
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 167 Oh, hell no.
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 169 Reading this book thinking of WIM's book "Faking It". Chuck and I must read the same books. #humblebrag
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 179 This is like the personal propaganda from "I heart Huckabees".
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 191 I could've thought this up vs. I did think this new
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 203 Recondite is the perfect word there. merriam-webster.com/dictionary/rec…
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 224 The temptation must've been to leave things vague. To never resolve it. But this is fiction.
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 230 Finished. I liked it a lot. Looking at the book as a whole, it feels like a book about US involvement in...
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 230 ...torture and rendition. Reading too much into it? Yes, probably. But it feels like it.
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
#VisibleMan #spoileralert pg 230 Also, 1st thing I learned on 1st day of college in Shakespeare class: Appearances can be deceiving.
4 Oct

MichaelRHerman Michael R Herman
An excellent book. Feel like I'll be thinking of it for a while. #VisibleMan
4 Oct

CKlosterman Chuck Klosterman
@MichaelRHerman Thanks, man. Really glad you liked the book & did this experiment. It was extremely, extremely flattering.
4 Oct

Game Over (Welcome To The Future)

I was talking with some co-workers today about the AL Central and one of my friends was adamant that the Cleveland Indians weren't going to win the division. I think that's nuts.

Going back to 2006, an outlier season where three teams in the Central finished with 90 wins or better, this is how many wins the 2nd place team in the AL Central had at the end of the season:

2010 - 88 wins by the Chicago White Sox
2009 - 86 wins by the Detroit Tigers (Minnesota Twins won a 1 game playoff)
2008 - 88 wins by the Minnesota Twins (Chicago White Sox won a 1 game playoff)
2007 - 88 wins by the Detroit Tigers

The winner of the AL Central has needed to win an average of 88.5 games to take home the pennant. Let's call 89 wins the magic number to win the AL Central. The first team past the 89-win post is going to win the AL Central except by fluke.

After 40 games the Indians have banked 26 wins and to get to 89 wins they need 63 wins over their last 122 games. That's only two games above .500 and the Indians are currently playing at a pace 12! games above .500 for the season. They could lose their next ten games and go one for two the rest of the way and still hit 89 wins.

I think the AL Central is over. The Indians would need to collapse in epic fashion and someone else would have to raise their game incredibly to catch them. And that's a problem going forward because this team is built to win for the next handful of years.

Crazy Like A Fox

The phone rings in the Utah Jazz draft war room. GM Kevin O'Conner answers. It's Minnesota Timberwolves GM David Kahn on the other end.

"Kevin, this is David. I wanted to wish you good luck with the draft tonite."

"Thank you, David. The same to you."

"I also called to talk shop. Any interest in trading the #2 pick for Derrick Favors?"

"I'll be honest, David. I haven't warmed on Williams. We'll pass."

"Okay, Kevin. I just thought I'd call and make sure."

On the TV in the background, David Stern approaches the podium. He announces the Cleveland Cavaliers select Kyrie Irving from Duke University. The phone rings again.

"Hello."

"Kevin, it's David again. We're taking Jimmer..."

"That will be a bold pick, David."

"...at eleven."

"What?"

"Derrick Favors."

As O'Conner listens to the dial tone, the TV the clock clicks down to zero.

"Kevin," says a Jazz employee. "We're on the clock."

Still stunned O'Conner says, "Um, Derrick Williams. And call everyone between us and twelve. See who they want for their pick."

On the television David Stern announces that with the second pick in the NBA Draft the Utah Jazz select Derrick Williams of the University of Arizona. The analysts go insane. Bill Simmons makes his first "Kahhhhhnnnn" tweet.

"Kevin, it looks like the Wolves have called around and noone was able to make a deal with them. They can't believe this is happening either."

A progressively frustrated looking David Stern announces the Cavaliers selection of Enes Kanter, Toronto's selection of Jonas Valanciunas and Washington's selection of Bismack Biyombo with the third, fourth and fifth picks in the draft.

"What are we hearing?" says O'Conner to noone in particular.

"Nothing. Everyone is thrilled to be getting their guy. We got some offers to take Jimmer and trade him to us. None of them are worth mentioning. Mostly the same offers we got before tonite."

Stern announces Sacramento picks Brandon Knight and the commisioner drops his scowl long enough to smile for a picture. Jay Bilas announces there is a rumor the Utah Jazz are calling around the league trying to trade up for Jimmer. The Pistons select Jan Vesely with the seventh pick and the phone rings.

"Kahn," O'Conner says as he lifts the receiver to his mouth.

"Kevin, do we have a deal?"

"You can go to hell."

O'Conner slams the phone back onto the cradle. A Jazz employee turns to him.

"Charlotte will take him for us but they want us to take back Jackson for Kirelenko. The Wolves apparently told them about the Jimmer situation."

"Tell them no."

Two minutes later a visibly upset Stern wipes froth from his mouth as he emerges from the green room and announces the Bobcats select Kemba Walker. The phone rings again.

"Ignore it," says O'Conner. "Let him ruin his team."

The room sits in silence as the phone rings and rings.

"Milwaukee will take him for us but, thanks to the Wolves, we have to take Maggette."

"No."

Stern announces the Bucks take Tristan Thompson. Almost immediately Stern reemerges from behind the curtain. He smiles widely.

"With the 10th pick in the NBA Draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select Jimmer Fredette from Brigham Young University."

The next day Fredette is met by a throng of press. He poses with his new jersey as his new GM looks on and he smiles at his new teammate Michael Beasley. Then he sits and leans forward to the microphone.

"The first thing I want to say," he says as he flashes a smile, "is how happy I am to be the newest member of the Oklahoma City Thunder."

Later that same day Russell Westbrook is introduced as the newest member of the Minnesota Timberwolves. Kevin Love beams as his best friend and college roommate gives a good interview and says the right things.

The Timberwolves make the playoffs the next year with a 27-23 record and fail to make it out of the first round. The team stays together for the length of Love & Westbrook's extensions and fluctuates between the late lottery and first round exits. When they leave, the team restarts with a player who is something like 12 years old now.

30 Days of Music in 1 Post

Over on the venerable Book of Faces I participated in the 30 Day Song Challenge. Every day for a full month you post a song following a certain rule for the day. It's fun to do and it has spurred a little discussion if not as much as I'd hoped for initially.

The only thing I'd improve is it seems aimed at a younger set of followers. Some of the rules are a little focused on teenage angst and less on showing your appreciation for music. So, as a brain exercise, I'm going to redo the 30 Day Song Challenge as tho I were writing it and aiming it at my peer group.

Day 1 - Your favorite song - "A Whiter Shade of Pale" by Procul Harum

This one is the same as the actual challenge and it doesn't change.

Day 2 - Your favorite song from the last year - "Runaway" by Kanye West

In my opinion, the 3 best songs from the last 12 mos. were "Bed Intruder", "Fuck You" and this song. Out of those 3, this is the one I still listen to frequently.

Day 3 - Your favorite song which is 50 years old this year - "My Favorite Things" by John Coltrane

This takes us back to 1961 which was a weird year in music. Rock had struck it big in the middle of the previous decade but had cooled for various reasons. So we're still 3 years away from The Beatles coming to America and jazz is making its last run on the top. As such, I pick Coltrane at or near his peak.

Day 4 - Your favorite song which is 25 years old this year - "Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes" by Paul Simon

This jump takes us back to 1986 which was the first year I really started to listen to music and have my own opinions on it, simple tho they may be. One of the albums I remember my dad (and, by proxy, me) listening to a lot was "Graceland" and I've held a special affinity for the album even until today. In fact, if you pulled up my fandom of Vampire Weekend you'd find "Graceland" at its roots.

Day 5 - Your favorite song which is 10 years old this year - "Jo Jo's Jacket" by Stephen Malkmus

Now we're up to 2001 and in that year I would've told you my favorite album that year was Weezer's green album. But now it's been 10 years and there are two albums I'd go to the shelf and pull out to listen to on a whim: The (international) Noise Conspiracy "New Morning, Changing Weather" and Steve Malkmus' first solo album. Since I like the latter better than the former, I'll put that one out front.

Day 6 - A Song Which Was Played At The 1st Concert You Ever Attended - "Hanging Tough" by New Kids On The Block

Fuck yeah I went to a New Kids concert and I was excited as shit to go. It was 1989, the concert was at the Met Center and my young ears and heart were won by whatever was on WLOL. My whole family went, we sat right were the speakers were pointed and I still have vivid memories of it. Some might find it embarrassing to admit their first concert was the New Kids. I think it's kind of perfect.

Day 7 - A Song Played At The Most Recent Concert You Attended - "I'll Buy" by The Replacements

It's been the slow season for concerts here in Minnesota and I've been kind of skint here at the end of it all as bands start touring thru here again. Consulting my calendar tells me the last concert I went to was the Replacements tribute at First Ave over the Thanksgiving weekend. Yes, it's been that long. Either way, here's the original version of a song from "Tim".

Day 8 - A Song Played At The Best Concert You Ever Attended - "Warning" by Green Day

Another shocker perhaps. The best concert I ever went to was in January 2001 when Green Day played The Eagles Ballroom in Milwaukee. My friends Adam, Bryan and I drove down from school in Green Bay and it was an amazing show. The band was in the in-between space after their "Dookie" success but before their "American Idiot" success. This meant they were actually trying and tuned in and it made for a great show.

Day 9 - 4 Days of Songs About Classical Elements: Air - "Blowing In The Wind" by Bob Dylan

I could go with Bob Dylan for each of these. But I'll limit myself to this one as the quintessential song about wind. And since YouTube only has covers, it should be one by someone who at least knows Dylan.

Day 10 - 4 Days of Songs About Classical Elements: Earth - "Dead Leaves & The Dirty Ground" by The White Stripes

Again, you could probably go with Jack White on each of these. But again I'll limit myself.

Day 11 - 4 Days of Songs About Classical Elements: Fire - "Fire" by Jimi Hendrix

When you think of fire you should think of Prometheus and Jimi Hendrix.

Day 12 - 4 Days of Songs About Classical Elements: Water - "Take Me To The River" by The Talking Heads

There are a lot of great songs about rain, oceans, snow and tears. But this one is the best one about rivers.

Day 13 - A Song about Luck - "Lucky" by Radiohead

This is the first song I ever heard off "OK Computer". This performance actually since I was a Launch subscriber.

Day 14 - A Song About Love - "Lovesong" by The Cure

This song came out when I was about 9 or 10 and it was the first time I remembered a love song sounding sad. Not just "Baby, baby. Where did our love go?" but actually sad while still being about love.

Day 15 - A Song About Falling Out of Love - "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?" by Amy Winehouse

The original is a little too upbeat. I like Winehouse's cover better.

Day 16 - A Song About Loneliness - "So Far Away" by Carole King

How did anyone survive the 1970s? Seriously, did everyone just zone out and let shit happen? Or did everyone break their hearts early on and what we have now is the broken version of those people?

Day 17 - A Song About Happiness - "You Are The Sunshine Of My Life" by Stevie Wonder

Scratch that. Everyone in the 1970s must've been listening to Stevie Wonder. Boom! Happiness achieved.

Day 18 - A Song About The Past - "In My Life" by The Beatles

This song, in addition to being my father's favorite Beatles song, was the music which scored Kevin Arnold's first kiss with Winnie Cooper on "The Wonder Years" and you can't get any more about the past than that.

Day 19 - A Song About The Present - "Right Now" by Van Halen

CARPE DIEM, MOTHERFUCKER!!! (Drink Crystal Pepsi.)

Day 20 - A Song About The Future - "Ooh Child" by The 5 Stairstep

Yeah, I see myself as an optimist. But if my fault is believing better things are around the corner, it's a fault I'm okay having.

Day 21 - The Original Song Sampled in A Hip-Hop Song - "One Step Ahead" by Aretha Franklin

To be later used by Ayotollah on Mos Def's "Ms. Fat Booty". When you hear it, you'll shit bricks.

Day 22 - A Song Which Should Be Sampled By A Hip-Hop Song - "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson

It used to be "Cruel Summer" by Bananarama. Now I just wish someone would use "Billie Jean", especially the drum beat and bass lines which are both dope as hell.

Day 23 - Coolest Guitar Riff - "Seventeen Years" by Ratatat

I know it's kind of unfair to put Ratatat here because all they do is riff. But it's my rules and I choose how to enforce them.

Day 24 - Coolest Guitar Solo - "Dazed and Confused" by Led Zepplin

Listen, I could've put everything Jimi Hendrix or Eddie Van Halen ever did in this slot. But I chose Jimmy Page playing "Dazed & Confused" in "Song Remains The Same". Get it?

Day 25 - Coolest Vocal Solo - "Great Gig In the Sky" by Pink Floyd

One of the few times I can think of where the human voice was used as an instrument and yet also given it's own space. If this had been a guitar or a saxophone, it would've been cheesy. But the human voice...

Day 26 - Best Verse - "6 Foot 7 Foot" by Lil Wayne

Yeah, just pick your favorite between either of Wayne's verses on this song. Both are classics.

Day 27 - Best Chorus - "Enjoy The Silence" by Depeche Mode

Just read the words.

All I ever wanted/All I ever needed/Is here in my arms/Words are very unnecessary/They can only do harm

God, there's just so much there.

Day 28 - Best Cover - "Hurt" by Johnny Cash

This is the one time on this list I feel like if I'd forgotten about this song for this category I actually might've hated myself. Like actually been angry with myself.

Day 29 - Best Mashup - "I'm A Flirt 7/4 Shoreline" by The Hood Internet

I could've gone with a Girl Talk or Super Mash Bros mashup here. The Hood Internet is on to something here and it's sneaky good.

Day 30 - Last Song You Heard Before Starting This List - "Vanessa From Queens" by Stephen Malkmus

From the very good and under radar "Pig Lib" album, Malkmus woos a reluctant paramour.

Why I'm White

I finished Christian Lander's new book "Whiter Shade of Pale" A few months ago now and it's taken me a while to write about this a wonderful skewering of elitist liberal culture. An expansion and update of his super-successful Stuff White People Like blog and ensuing book deal, Whiter Shade of Pale takes us across the United States and into the womb-like pockets of true White America.

The amazing part about Stuff White People Like is it is the rare instance of the subject also being the target audience. Those amongst the right and the uncool aren't privy to what makes White America ridiculous so their criticisms lack wit. It is the type of comedy which doesn't come from Us vs. Them but Us vs. Us. As such you laugh at the same time as thinking "Am I really like that?"

Reasons I Am A White Person

1.) My family is Republican and I'm not.

But by "my family" I mean anyone I'm related to over the age of 50. Basically if you are from the generation ahead of mine in my family, they did a really good job providing for their children thru determination and hard work. Now that they've paid for my entire college tuition (all 5 years), I'd appreciate if they'd give back all of the money they earned. Not because they've stopped working hard. Just because I saw the enormous positive influence that money had on my life and can't imagine anyone else would have to go without those advantages either. The irony is fighting to keep it for themselves in the name of dedication and hard work is the same thing as fighting to eventually give most of it to me, someone who didn't earn it. So I'm going to be the unwitting benefactor of a system tipped in my favor while the future George Washington Carvers & Jonas Salks will have to deal with shoddy science books. Meanwhile the future Howard Zinn will just shake his head.

2.) I don't follow ANY religion.

Don't let my grandmother read this. But the last time I went to church when it wasn't a wedding, ordination or funeral was 2005. Not a big deal, you say? The Church isn't for everyone? More spiritual than religious? Yeah, I'm not into that either. Here's a quick rundown of my "religious" beliefs; If you're going to follow a system of values professed by a human, they should be the ones which focus on humanity. Any mythology not relating to life as we know it is irrelevant. I get that it was metaphorical and meant for a less-educated audience. I'm a more-educated audience and for me the holy trinity begins with Freud, Nietzsche & Marx. Our worldly problems have real-world causes and we have the very real capability and responsibility to fix them. Leave the ghosts to Hamlet. Or, even better, leave them to Scooby Doo.

3.) I like a lot of things that are listed in the book.

Including the first book, I'm guilty of liking the following:

Coffee, Barack Obama, Wes Anderson Movies, Having Black Friends, International Travel, David Sedaris, Not Having A TV, Wrigley Field, Architecture, Brunch, Arrested Development, Netflix, Indie Music, Sushi, Plays, Liberal Arts Degrees, Irony, Dogs, Documentaries, Japan, Bicycles, Knowing What's Best For Poor People, Recycling, Standing Still At Concerts, Michel Gondry, Mos Def, Difficult Breakups, Threatening to Move to Canada, The Idea of Soccer, Hating Corporations, T-shirts, Shorts, Having Gay Friends, St. Patrick's Day, San Francisco, Music Piracy, New Balance Shoes, Beards, Noam Chomsky, Self-Deprecating Humor, Integrity, The Criterion Collection, High School English Teachers, Free Health Care, Che Guevarra, Non-American News Sources, Subtitles, The ACLU, Platonic Friendships, Dave Chappelle, Nintendo Wii, The Simpsons, Avoiding Confrontation, Books, Music Festivals, Glasses, McSweeney's, Hardwood Floors, Bakeries, Modern Art Museums, Cheese, Self-Importance, Conan O'Brien, British Slang, Anthony Bourdain, Nannies, Messenger Bags, Punk Rock, Promising To Learn A New Language, The World Cup, Self-Aware Hip-Hop References, Trivia, Whole Wheat, Ugly Sweater Parties, Monty Python, The Onion, Short Stories, Alternative Newspapers, Losing Weight, Trader Joe's, Supporting The Troops But Not The War, Bob Marley, Road Trips, Girls With Bangs, Swimming, Google, Hummus, Olives, Facebook, Cult Movies, The Big Liebowski, Peacoats, Vice Magazine's Dos and Don'ts, Punctuality, Waiting In Line, Taking A Year Off, The Winter Olympics, The Office, Banksy and Being Offended.

Mea Culpa

And in the face of such glaring evidence I have to plea guilty because the truest mark of a White Person is the hypocrisy of believing you aren't when you very clearly are. One of my heroes is George Carlin and one of his funniest stories is of the night he heard a couple talking in the front row of his show. The husband was upset by one of Carlin's jokes and Carlin overheard the wife say to the husband, "It's okay, honey. He isn't talking about us." I laugh at Stuff White People Like because I get to laugh at an unobstructed view of myself.

To JB, Who Would Be Reading This

Earlier this year my friend JB passed away after a courageous battle with cancer. I saw him for the last time when he asked everyone come to see him on a Sunday nite. He was just home from surgery and said he wanted to keep everyone up to date. When I saw him, he looked sick. But he had just been in surgery and I figured I would see him again soon when he was feeling better, probably sometime after my birthday. My birthday was on a Tuesday about a week later and he died that Thursday.

The very last thing JB and I talked about was this blog. I felt very discouraged about a lack of readers and he assured me that he was reading and that I should continue writing. Well, he passed away so I haven't really felt like writing anything here. Instead I'm just going to share an e-mail exchange JB and I had last year which I love and will remain my favorite memory of my friend.

August 3, 2010 - From: JB Becker

a dream

Michael,

I had this really shitty dream when I almost killed you. It took place in the house I grew up in and in my dream I was like a serial killer or something. You were for some reason in the bathroom with my sister Julie and for some reason I violently attacked you.

You ended up being OK at the end of the dream (just had like a concussion) but it was weird and unsettling, so, I am just trying to discharge the freakishness of it by telling you about it.

I promise never to attack you in real life.

Best wishes,

JB

August 4, 2010 - From: Michael Herman

JB,

My only comment is this. I have a friend who is so kind and gentle-hearted that ALMOST murdering me in a DREAM is overwhelming upsetting. I am lucky to have such a good friend.

Mike

August 5, 2010 - From: JB Becker

Thank you Mr. Herman. You know just how to put a friend at ease.

What I'm Talking About When I'm Talking About Dreaming

When you're little you have big plans. They are plans which come with being young, having your whole life in front of you and more or less not knowing better. Since these are usually longshots that noone can or will tell you aren't likely to happen, they get grouped together as your dreams. While an actual dream may have you flying or speaking in front of your whole school while naked, these are things that under the right circumstances could possibly happen. Anyone who has ever achieved them has begun with the dream of one day doing them. In that regard, you've completed the first step.

Then life catches up with you. Things aren't as easy as they seem and that person who achieved the dream you're aspiring to... well, they're the one who did it. There were other people who also wanted to do the same thing, who dreamed the dream just like them, who never got there. You don't hear their stories because there's no way you could document them all. They are swept away by the rushing horde who follows the one person who did achieve their dream. When Eminem says "You can do anything you set your mind, man," at the end of Lose Yourself, he's speaking from his own experience. He just omits that he was a remarkably talented and experienced individual who benefited from being in the right place to have the opportunity to do what he'd set his mind to doing.

I was young once with my whole life in front of me and the benefit of more or less not knowing better. During that time I had two dreams. One was to be an actor. The other was to be President of The United States. I wanted to be each of them because then I'd get to do something I was interested in all of the time. I'd be recognized being that person and that would come to define me to the world. All I wanted was the recognition and to know that people liked me. As I got older, those dreams began to melt and to become more reasonable. By the time I was 21, I wanted to be a film director or just an important local politician. There are way more people who can do those jobs. Then my dreams continued their slide. By the time I was 26, I wanted to be a writer or just someone who was a political insider. Even if I couldn't head the process, I could still be a part of it. Five years, a breakup and an economic crash later, I don't even believe in those dreams anymore. I've found my level and it is what has always been: interested observer. Nothing has changed except for the future as I imagined it. It never arrived.

What I've learned as I've gotten older is your dreams change. What you want out of life becomes less of a destination than a place, a continuous feeling over a one-time accomplishment. It's less about becoming something different and more about fully becoming yourself. Your personal identity is developed so you're less worried about something outside of yourself defining you. In fact, I'm more worried about something negatively defining me than I try to latch onto something positive. If I were more religious that might be different. As it is, I aim to represent the inner me to as many people as possible who want to know it.

Now, as I'm older and less and less naive, I have different dreams. They're things I started a long time ago and thought I would come back to if and when I ever got a chance. They were what I would do once I'd achieved my dreams and then could do whatever I wanted. The irony is I wanted the freedom which would come with success and have been provided that same freedom by abject failure. It's very much the same as the monetary freedom I enjoy because I didn't push myself academically and thus didn't incur astronomical amounts of debt by going to graduate school. P = q but not p can = q too.

My dream now is to have a room. It will have to be a place where I can complete my project and be able to leave it. One of the constants in my life since I was 16 is not living in the same place for very long. Part of that is my choice and it is in response to the part of it which is not. I'd like to be able to not need to tear it down. This room will be mine and it will reflect the inner me. To that extent I've been saving pictures and articles from magazines since I was 19 years old. I keep them in a tan plastic filebox which I dutifully slug from old apartment to new apartment waiting for the day they can all come out to stay. In it are basketball and baseball players I thought were cool, bands which I wanted to memorialize and even a few pictures I tore out because it made sense. They are just things I was interested in or thought looked cool. I'd like to have a place where I can put these mementos on the wall and just sit amongst them. I enjoy high-backed chairs and I will have one in my room. Whenever I'm feeling not like myself or want to reminisce that room will be my refuge. I won't keep snacks or work or even anything I'd use on a regular basis in there. And when I'm not using it, I will keep the door closed.

You can visit it if you'd like. But please be respectful of your surroundings. Take note this is what my dream became. My dream is to have a place which reminds me of the time when I still held onto my dreams. Others may lament the lose of their dreams or continue holding onto them under longer and longer odds. My dreams fulfilled their destiny to become nothing and I feel better for recognizing it. If they say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, then I say the same is true of dreaming. And like love, I will not dream like I did as a young man. The loss of my dreams will not embitter me or cause me to close my heart to them. It will be a mature dream I seek, a better and more realistic dream for me to follow. One which is based on me who I am instead of the me I'd once hoped I'd become.

And Evidence Suggests I'm The Man For The Job

I've stayed out of the Wisconsin union discussion for the same reason I never voted when I lived in Green Bay (or Chicago): It's their state and not mine. But a lot of my friends have been posting this as a status update lately:

"Only 5 states do not have collective bargaining for educators (i.e. “teachers unions”) and have deemed it illegal. Those states and their ranking on ACT/SAT scores are as follows:

South Carolina - 50th
North Carolina - 49th
Georgia - 48th
Texas - 47th
Virginia - 44th

Wisconsin ranked 2nd in 2010 in combined ACT/SAT.

(http://law2.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/states/USCHARTsat.html)"

Which is I was tickled to find these two quotes in a book I'm reading about political doublespeak, "Aristotle and an Aardvark: Understanding Political Doublespeak Through Philosophy and Jokes", and thought I would share them for your personal enjoyment.

" 'The 10 states with the lowest per pupil spending including 4- North Dakota, South Dakota, Tennessee & Utah - in the top 10 states with the highest SAT scores. Only 1- Wisconsin -was among the 10 states with the highest SAT scores. New Jersey has the highest per pupil, an astonishing $10,561, which teachers' unions elsewhere try to use as a negotiating benchmark. New Jersey's rank regarding SAT scores? 39th. ...'

George Will, Washington Post, September 12th, 1993"

"In the Journal of Statistics Education, Deborah Lynn Guber points out that a crucial factor Mr. Will ignores in his analysis is participation rates: the percentage of students in each state who actually take the SAT. It turns out that in North Dakota, state colleges require the ACT rather than the SAT, so only 5% of North Dakota students take the SAT. It is fair to say that among that 5% are a large number of students who want to go to prestigious out-of-state schools (that do require the SAT) and who, because of their proven academic abilities, think they have a shot at it. In New Jersey, by comparison, 79 percent of students take the SAT- certainly a more representative cross-section of the entire population of high school graduates. So the SAT scores of the brightest ND students are being compared to the SAT scores of more typical NJ students."

I think the implication is pretty clear. We can definitely get non-union labor to do George Will's job.

Why Dan and Smallz Should Like Brandon Jennings

1.) He's From Compton!

On a list of Compton natives from NWA to Coolio, he's slightly cooler than Cedric Ceballos and just behind Krist Novoselic. If he had been in the dunk contest this year, he could've found himself in the company of Mort Sahl.

2.) He's The Greatest Scorer In Oak Hill Academy History.

Not Carmelo Anthony, not Kevin Durant, not Jerry Stackhouse, not Michael Beasley, not Rod Strickland.

Brandon Jennings

P.S. He also won the Naismith Award for Best H.S. Boys Basketball Player in 2008.

3.) He Wore A High-Top Fade To The All-American Game.



Brandon grew his hair out thru his senior year knowing he was going to play in the All-American game and wanted to rock the Gumby look. Let me rephrase. Knowing that there was something important down the line, he prepared and focused on it for months.

4.) And Then He Brought It Back!



If you miss the old Gilbert Arenas, I'd like to introduce you to the new Gilbert Arenas. Brandon was even going to Arizona a la Gilbert before he changed to the Europe plans.

5.) Basketball, more than any other American sport, is a game.

Baseball lends itself to statistics because its parameters are so easily defined. Football is all about team planning and preparation. Hockey is close but bogs itself in last line changes and other unspoken rules. Basketball is harder to pin down. It's parameters are so simple (beat your man) and ambiguous (how DO you beat him?).

You can show me that Brandon does X-Y-Z and that means A-B-C. I have no problem believing that. I'm just hesitant to believe there is a secret formula to basketball in the same way that getting guys on base and scoring them while preserving outs seems to be the winning formula in baseball. There are too many factors which come into the mechanics of basketball to say there's one or two things you can focus on.

What I like to see is the end result of a player beating his man with style. When Jennings goes around his back before he throws an alley-oop to John Wall, I'm titillated. When he leaves a drop pass for Andrew Bogut between his legs, I'm excited. When he crosses Stephen Curry to the ground, my heart makes a small leap. Why do all of our warriors have to be automatons? Isn't the thing that's great about basketball is when it approaches Art?

All of this is subjectivity, yes. But, for me, subjectivity is not a dirty word. When I watch basketball I want it to be entertaining and Brandon Jennings is one of the most consistently entertaining players in the NBA.

One White Album (Why?)

I typed my original White Album post on Thursday in a bit of a rush. I wanted to get the idea out there and get reactions to it before coming back to my reasoning later.

Mostly people missed the really weird songs from The White Album which is what I was going for actually. For example, I think Dear Prudence is a meandering piece of fluff with 6 words which doesn't even crack the top 300 Beatles songs. The White Album is better by cutting all of the Prudences, Rocky Raccoons and even Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Das.

My intent was to make a good, straight-forward 1968 rock album. This was the most popular band in the world slowly tearing itself apart from the inside. In my mind this is The Beatles deciding to rededicate themselves and go back to what made them great; making better music than anyone else.

Side A - I felt it was necessary to throw in sides for historical accuracy. If The Beatles were sequencing this album in 1968, there would've been breaks to be exploited.

Glass Onion - The actual White Album begins with Back In the USSR or more accurately with the sound of a plane landing in a great big theatrical entrance. I wanted to go against that. It's two beats and begin with the song.

Additionally, Glass Onion references The Beatles' history as a band. My scenario has them rededicating themselves to being The Best Band In The World and acknowledging their past is a part of that. Putting that up front is even bolder.

Yer Blues - I included this one because it's a bluesy rock song. Also, John Lennon went from "Help! I need somebody!" to "Yes, I'm lonely, wanna die." in three years. Following Glass Onion, it's pretty stark how The Beatles feel about themselves.

While My Guitar Gently Weeps - I think this is the best song on The White Album and possibly the best song in their oeuvre. The real White Album didn't have a single but I'd make this the lead single from the album and as such I put it into the third spot on Side A where most lead singles go.

I'm So Tired - This is one of the under-appreciated songs on The White Album. I think of it as an echo of I'm Only Sleeping from Revolver.

Cry Baby Cry - I didn't want to make The Beatles into joyless assholes (despite the evidence) and left this song on to reflect their playful and less-serious side. Also the little "Can you take me back where I be from?" code leads really well into Julia.

Julia - This is the second prettiest song on the album and John's homage to his mother. A perfect song to take the listener between sides.

Side B - After John covers the vocal duties on all but one of the songs on Side A, he only sings lead once on the flip.

Blackbird - Though he will be forever most remembered for Yesterday, Paul really should be remembered for this song. It's buried on The White Album and I rectify that by moving it to the beginning of Side B. Imagine setting the needle in the groove and the first thing that comes thru the speakers is this song. It would really be perfect.

Revolution 1 - Whereas the version on the B Side of Hey Jude is a fuzzed-out rock song, the horns and slower tempo swing here. I also like putting it one song before...

Back In the USSR - The album hits the fast forward and peaks loudly between this song and the next.

Helter Skelter - Ok, so not a great song on its own and the temptation might be to delete this song because of its association with Charles Manson. I leave it because it represents how much of the mythology of The Beatles is stuff that was out of their control.

Savoy Truffle - George gets one song on Side A and one on Side B. I think this is one of his songs that had-he-not-been-in-The-Beatles is an indicator what his music would've sounded like in his own band.

I Will - Again, while The White Album makes a big theatrical production of its departure with Good Night (sorry Ringo but no singing for you here), I aimed to go against that and have the album make a sweet and subtle exit.

One White Album

My friend Jeff asked me how I would pare and re-order The White Album if I wanted to make it into just one album. In fact, here's what he wrote...

"Just thought this would be fun. If you were the Beatles, and you had to whittle The White Album down to one LP because George Martin finds it too bloated, what tracks (maximum of 15) would you keep and what order would you put them in?"

Jeff, I can do it in 12 songs.

Side A

Glass Onion (Lennon/McCartney)
Yer Blues (Lennon/McCartney)
While My Guitar Gently Weeps (Harrison)
I'm So Tired (Lennon/McCartney)
Cry Baby Cry (Lennon/McCartney)
Julia (Lennon/McCartney)

Side B

Blackbird (Lennon/McCartney)
Revolution 1 (Lennon/McCartney)
Back In the USSR (Lennon/McCartney)
Helter Skelter (Lennon/McCartney)
Savoy Truffle (Harrison)
I Will (Lennon/McCartney)

Set For Random and Enjoy

I recently had to wipe the hard-drive on my laptop because I'd let my virus protection lapse. (In my defense it was a year and half before anything went wrong.) Not only did it provide me an opportunity to upgrade to Windows 7 but also to reload all my music onto my computer. Which is to say I only put stuff back onto it which I really wanted. I feel very satisfied with the results. Here's the list which would be a perfect cross-section of music I like.

Adriano Celentano - Prisencolinsinainciusol
The Arcade Fire - The Suburbs
Aziz Ansari - Intimate Moments for A Sensual Evening
Blackroc - s/t
Bob Dylen - Greatest Hits Vol. 1&2
Broken Social Scene - Something For All of Us & Spirit If...
Cee-Lo Green - Noone's Going To Love You
Chiddy Bang - Hey London & The Opposite of Adults
Doomtree - False Hopes
Doctor Dog - Shame, Shame
The Flaming Lips - Borderline
Gorillaz - Some Kind of Nature
Green Day - 21st Century Breakdown
GZA - Pro Tools
Jonsi - Time to Pretend
Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
Kings of Leon - Sex On Fire
Kraftwerk - I, II, Autobahn & Ralf and Florian
La Roux - s/t
Lil Wayne - Carter III
MGMT - Congratulations
Minutemen - Double Nickels on The Dime
Mos Def - The Ecstatic
Pavement - Terror Twilight
Rick Ross - Ashes to Ashes
Sonic Youth - Antenna
Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks - Pig Lib & Real Emotional Trash
Sufjan Stevens - The Age of Adz
The Talking Heads - More Songs About Buildings and Food
The Tallest Man On Earth - The Wild Hunt
Titus Andronicus - The Monitor
The White Stripes - Under Great White Northern Lights

That's a set of music you can put on shuffle and pretty much count that one song will flow from another to an other.

Yeah, I Want Things To Go My Ways. But As Of Late, Shit Been Going Sideways.

I finished the book "Everything Bad Is Good For You" by Steven Johnson on the plane yesterday.

The thesis of the book is this. Mass Culture (large C) is in incline, not decline. Cultural critics argue that it's decline because television, videogames and movies have become more violent and filled with sex and other blah blah blah (and they have). What this book argues is that it's actually in incline because complexity has increased and thus the work a person must do to enjoy entertainment has increased. It has even begun to make us smarter, a fact which goes unnoticed because of the Flynn Effect. Basically the shift has taken place because of three things.

The first is not only that culture is more complex by following more and longer storylines but the complexity is encased in the relationships between things. It's not just that you have to solve the mystery of what the things placed into a show or videogame are a la Chekov's gun but also how they relate to one another. You have to parse what information is important to the ultimate resolution and what is not. Specifically you have to do this in (and are trained to do this by) videogames but it applies to more passive forms of culture. Producers are now "allowed" to leave more ambiguity in their programming and require the audience make narrative leaps of filling in and making assumptions which they wouldn't have to in the past.

Because all of our media is now storeable and repeatable and you can see something later which will explain something earlier instead of only vice versa. In 1970, one of the Big Three television networks aired something once and then it was gone, a movie ran once in the theater and it was gone, etc. But with the advent of VCRs and the expansion of cable (and with it, the comensurate thirst for programming to fill their shelves and schedule), media has to hold up to and can require repeat viewings. This encourages the creators to embed clues and in-jokes into the programming which you only see or get upon repeat or obsessive viewings. We've moved away from a lowest-common-denominator you had to get the first time thru to a most-repeatable ethos where you will want to watch it over and over.

A contributing factor to that is we now have a greater community to discuss our ideas via the Internet. It's now a "lean forward" culture as Steve Jobs calls it where we the viewers experience rewards for digesting close readings. Where as the likelyhood of finding someone who had even seen Star Trek in the mid-70s was low, now there are massive web message boards devoted to Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica and Survivor and so on down the line. You aren't encouraged to sit back and zone out. You tune in and join up.

An example they cite is the in-joke of Art Vandalay on Seinfeld. You wouldn't need to know Art Vandalay is a name George uses to lie in awkward social situations to enjoy the episode itself you're watching. It's just a name which could be interchangeable with anything else you could make up on the spot. But for someone who has obsessively and repeatedly watched the show, it's a nod to George's long-arcing laziness. It adds depth to his character to know he's so often a liar that he's has created a character he can lean back on when he's forced to lie. If you haven't been following Seinfeld since day one (or The Simpsons or The Wire or college basketball) there's this massive online community you can tap into right there on the Internet.

I found the book fascinating. It held a couple of keys for me which tailed back incidentally to earlier things I'd been thinking of a la a television show's later explains earlier structure.

The first was that television producers create shows like Lost specifically to obscure and leave out plot points BECAUSE that's the way people want them. To me it seemed like lazy, drawn-out storytelling (and perhaps it is) but they're doing it that way to respond to their audience. So where I might watch Lost and think "This is dumb. He's obviously dead and in a limbo-like state." other people will watch Lost and think "I think he's dead and in a limbo-like state. What are the clues which confirm that?" The Lost audience wants drawn-out storytelling they can watch closely and analyze and interface with other people about over the Internet and in-person. I won't "get" what they think is great about it not because I'm skeptical but because I'm not skeptical enough. I look at it, think "That's answer." and move on. Lost fans see it and get sucked in.

The other key was what I did just there. I didn't use the tools of defining what something is and how it interrelates to other things on a popular television show or in a videogame. I used those tools to define something and how it interrelates to other things in my life. And I'm trying to get better at those things because Life is a one-pass event like a 1970s television show. Johnson brings up the idea of Nietzsche's eternal recurrence near the end of the book in regards to how media is put together in this version of the mass culture. They try to get it right the first time because people are going to watch it over and over if it rewards them for doing so.

A couple of months back I went to brunch with some friends and we were discussing religion. I told them how my morality is based upon having to explain your actions later. I don't always get them right which is why I'm a big proponent of grace. But I'd like to think I could go back and explain my reasoning and emotional state which lead to me doing what I did and didn't do.

I'm trying to get better at the skills "Everthing Bad Is Good For You" defines not to analyze media but because Life is a one-pass event like a 1970s television show. I worry about getting Life right because it too is storeable and figuratively repeatable. I want to make the right choice the first time around because that's the one which will remain in people's memories. If I know better what the right choice is, I'm more likely to make it and to be remembered as making it.

Untitled Pt.2

"Then six weeks ago, I received an invitation to her wedding. She's marrying some guy she met at a company conference or something like that. They had a by-the-numbers story book romance. He met her, he was nice to her and he really appreciated her. They moved in together, they got a dog and they decided to get married."

He raises his voice a few octaves and buttons his cuffs. "'I want you to be there,' she told me when I expressed reservations. 'You mean as much to me as anyone else I've ever known. Well, other than Brent.' Then she used the dirty trick it was perfectly fair of her to use. 'Please, do this for me. It wouldn't be the same if you weren't there'."

"So I'm going. I'm going to sit near the back on the bride's side and stare across the room at Louisa. She won't be up there making sure I'm watching and it would be the same if I weren't there. But I'm still going."

"The tense moment will come when the priest asks whether there is anyone who knows why these two people shouldn't be married. In my younger and more reckless days, I might've stood up and screamed, 'I do. Because I love you Louisa.' Today I will stay in my seat and the moment will pass without so much as a burning in my legs. She'll run down the aisle and they'll cut the cake. I'll give her a hug and we'll promise to do a better job staying in touch. Two months from now she'll be the furthest thing from my mind. I have enough other women I keep close but not too close to take up my time. In that way, she's been an odd precedent."

He ties his tie while looking at the ceiling.

"I don't want to sound like I regret the way this ended up. Louisa was not the 'one great love of my life' and I did not miss the boat by never telling her how I felt. In reality, we just liked being the center and focus of someone else's attention. The invigorating rush of a crush eventually gave way to how little was behind it all."

"I'm steeling myself for one moment though. At some point in the night, I'll look at Louisa or she'll look at me. We will be talking to seperate groups of people and our eyes will meet across the room one last time. She'll wink at me and I'll wink back. It will be a hold over from when we cared about the other person seeing. Back then, it meant 'I know that you know.' Now it will mean the exact same thing but in a different way."

"It was crazy to be so unhappy for so long. Our relationship could never last. We had to move on with our lives and be happy."

He pulls his suit jacket on. "Does this look good?" He stands there arms spread, his shirt already wrinkling from the sweat.

Untitled Pt.1

"I once heard, 'A relationship can never last between two people who are the same kind of crazy.' At first, I thought it was the sort of thing which sounds wise because of its odd sentence construction. A lot of advice is repeated because it sounds antiquated and it's a common assumption anything which lasts long enough must be The Truth. So I was skeptical and thought my results would inevitably vary."

"That was before I met Louisa. She was exactly the same kind of crazy as me. By that, I don't mean she loved Japanese animation, Ernest Hemingway novels and Left Coast punk. Quite the contrary."

"I mean she took the world in the same way I did. She could see the differing nature of any moment. Most people see the world in only one way. It's easier to think if you live your life by one hard and fast code of ethics that apply to every situation and every time. In fact, it's so easy most people don't even think they are as they're doing it."

He imitates a voice. "'That's just me,' they'll claim. 'That's how I am.'"

"Louisa saw every new moment as unique. She once told me her only presumption upon entering an unknown situation was she knew absolutely nothing. I remember making a wise crack about how wonderfully Zen that was and how I wish I could be so free-minded and unfrightened by the world."

"She was right though. By going in with an empty slate, her first instinct was to listen."

"Now, years later, I think that's why so many people gravitated to her. She was constantly sticking out her neck and taking risks for what she believed in. And what she believed in was she could actually make things better if only people would tell her what was wrong. She was the most selfless person I'd ever met."

"That was what attracted me to her as a friend. It was a different thing entirely which made me want to be something more. I honestly thought she treated me differently, treated me better. As nice as she was to everyone she met, I thought I caught a certain sparkle when she noticed I was in the room. It was something special to me. Her eyes would beam, her smile would light up and she would stop."

"It became a little game between us. Who could dance around the issue better? Who could let on in a more deniable way? I stretched on for weeks and then weeks became months. The game grew more complex. Soon it became 'Who could flirt more while the other watched?' 'Who could brag more and who could bear more while talking about meeting a nice new...?' Who could get the other to say, 'You'll find a nice ... who really appreciates you,' when the nice new ... left?"

"We became co-dependents in romantic failure and co-conspirators in never being happy. That was the crazy we shared. We chose to always be the bridesmaid instead of ruining our tacit 'If all else fails and we're both 30...' agreement."

"Slowly we drifted apart. Other things and other people started to clutter up our lives. Where once we flirted to make sure the other was still paying attention, now we flirted and didn't care. I could have entire relationships and only mention it off-handedly once it ended. We no longer mattered. All of the years melted, swept away as though there had been a gust of wind. The last time I really talked to Louisa was almost three years ago. She was just out of undergrad and she was freaking out about actually being out in the world. There was so much she just couldn't deal with and she called to lean on my shoulder."

He begins buttoning his shirt, the very bottom button first.

"It was fair of her to call me since I'd been something like a confidant for years. I would listen, make some noises which implied I understood and then make broad, wisened-sounding statements. This time I was bound for failure because what each of us had done was never actual support. We were experts on each other's idiosyncrasies. But we'd never let each other in far enough to truly know us."

"The last time we talked I listened and made affirming grunts in her little pauses. Then when it came time to make my usual non-commital advice, I realized I had nothing. I couldn't even find something someone else would say. There is no old saying which expresses 'I don't even know you anymore and can't relate to your problems.' In real time, I mumbled a bit about how everything would be okay and how she would find her way eventually. It was the first time in our relationship that someone's bullshit openly stunk."

He steps into his dress slacks one leg at a time and makes a grimmace as he buckles his belt to his usual loop. "Not as skinny as I once was."

"We made plans to see a movie in the upcoming weeks and neither of us called back with firm plans. We could've repeated it a few times more, each time behind an 'Oh, hey...' facade. But we both knew it was time to quit."

Take Away the Football Team, the Basketball Team And All We Got Is Me to Represent New Orleans

Jeff, a Milwaukee native and transplant to Minneapolis, is standing in the Bryant-Lake Bowl, a turn-of-the-20th-century bowling alley converted to include a bar, restaurant and theater. As moderator of a popular and locally-acclaimed reading series, Jeff is working with the technical staff of the theater to wire in a Skype chat with the author of that month's selection.

"Can you hear us?" says Jeff as the 150 person capacity crowd of the theater greets each other and orders drinks around him. ...

Ok, so all of what I just wrote is true. By reporting what I know about Jeff and by attending the July meeting of Books & Bars, I've given an accurate representation of what was happening. I may have embellished a little bit here, tightened up a bit there and put words in Jeff's mouth but at its heart everything I wrote is true to the actual event.

Is it the Truth though? Is what I wrote an absolute representation of the situation? Well, no. I focused on Jeff while cutting out everyone else in the room. I gave one perspective on the event and had that stand in for the whole of the event. As a reader who wasn't there, you would likely assume (correctly I hope) that a perspective highlighting the moderator would be able to be generalized to the lion's share of the people in attendance because taking the time to actually chronicle the entire crowd would be time-consuming and unlikely to shed a great deal more perspective upon the July meeting. So you accept it's a representation of the Truth.

The same is true of "Zeitoun". It's based upon actual events from Zeitoun and Kathy's real lives. But it doesn't purport to be the Truth. It is after all Eggers' name on the front of the book, not Kathy and Zeitoun's names. Eggers is giving a representation of the Truth of their experiences surrounding Hurricane Katrina and using it to stand in as representative of a generalized experience of a person who lived in New Orleans in the aftermath of the storm. We could again try to chronicle the experience and perspective of everyone but at a wont of time and necessity, we don't.

So you might be saying, "So what? Eggers is writing creative non-fiction. Welcome to the world of early 21st century publishing." And I agree with that, especially because the popularity of Eggers and his own deliberate efforts have pushed contemporary publishing in that direction. Did anyone see that 16-year-old Justin Bieber is writing his memoirs? Speak of a wont of time and necessity...

This is why I think it's important. One of the three things which stuck out about "Zeitoun" (along with how it romanticizes the post-storm anarchy and how poorly Kathy comes off) is the frequent references to how difficult it is to be a Muslim in post-9/11 America. It stuck out to me because 1.) it's kind of tangential if Zeitoun is taking the place of the Everyman and 2.) it's like duuuuuhhhhhhh. It's not even something which we can limit to happening prior to January 20th, 2009 either as the stupid "WTC mosque" controversy has proven. Though it's been almost ten years since 9/11, our continued military presence in Muslim countries makes for a constant backdrop to living in the United States right now. Anyone alive and aware in America knows it's difficult to be a Muslim in our culture.

The only people whom that wouldn't be readily obvious for is people who don't live in our culture. Since America is a cultural hegemony (just try to find a foreign film in the top 100 grossing films of 2009) and because we're willing to live with our warts, that's not an idea which is remote to anyone living in a free society on the planet. Which means the people whom need to be told of that reality are for the most part people who are either too young to remember or haven't been born yet. Eggers has to be aware his celebrity and influence means his books will be read not just by contemporary audiences. They will also be read by people who wouldn't know offhand how difficult it is to be Muslim right now.

It matters because for many people who will be looking back on this era, this will be their perspective and representation of this era in the same way Kerouac's "On the Road" is for those of us who were not old enough or even alive in the 1950s. (Notice that I said Kerouac and "On The Road", not Halberstam and "The Fifties" or C. Wright Mills and "The Power Elite".) But it would be ludicrous to suggest "On the Road" is the Truth about the 1950s, no matter how beloved our friend Kerouac is. "On the Road" is creative non-fiction which is meant to represent a generalization of post-WWII America in the way "Zeitoun" represents our current moment. Hell, the focus in each is even on the main character's transportation.

So my impression while reading "Zeitoun" was an awareness that what I was reading was true but not the Truth. I don't think you can hand someone a copy of the book and say "This is what it was like to live in New Orleans in the days after Hurricane Katrina," any more than you can hand them "On the Road" and show them the 1950s. To get closer to the Truth, you have to keep on looking and I hope, being an open-minded individual who believes in the freedom of religion, that the future readers of "Zeitoun" keep looking. Our era is much too complex to summarize in 325 pages and in the experience of only one man.

The Renewable Razor

"When will somebody invent the renewable razor?"

I think this as I examine the single-blade Bic I have in my right hand to accompany the handful of shaving lather in my left. As I think this, the cold water of the faucet continues down the drain at a rapid pace. It is cold not hot because, although it feels better on my face and makes the hairs of my beard stand on end, warm water makes the blade dull more quickly and I go through razors more rapidly.

I examine the plastic of the handle. It is orange and made of some thin and cheap polymer made of foreign oil and American blood. A whole pack of these things, 20 in all, was less than two dollars so I have no reason to believe great care was expended in lessening the environmental impact of its production. The same is surely true of the razorhead and although it is white I doubt that means it's any more Earth-friendly.

I look at the blade, a thin strip of indeterminate metal, steel possibly, custom-fit to the razorhead. Metals are rare molecules pressed together in the hot depths of our planet's molten core over thousands of years. Geological ages bringing atoms of iron together with oxygen and occasionally something else to form compounds like Fe304 and Fe2O3 or FeCO3 until some man, a human, tears it out of the Earth using strip mining or mountain top removal. Even then it must be smelted in a fossil fuel-burning blast furnace and cast into wide thin sheets before it can be trucked over road and possibly across the continent to the place where it meets the thin plastic held in my right hand.

I look at all of this and I think of the whole process required for me to remove hair from my face. I think of the natural world being ruined so I can have the convenience of a clean face and a nuzzle from my girlfriend. I think about this and I think "When will somebody invent the renewable razor?"

For me, I see hope in the destruction. I reject the bleakness of the end of the world. I imagine a future when there will be a blade that doesn't go dull or at least biodegrades when I am done with it. I imagine a handle made from natural materials not synthetics. I imagine these things, believe they will one day exist and return to shaving my face by rinsing my Bic in the cold stream flowing ebulliently from the bathroom faucet.

Five Texts You Receive On Vacation

I was on vacation this weekend and had my phone turned off from about 6 o'clock Friday until I plugged it in just a few hours ago. During that time I received five text messages.

I will use this space to respond to those text messages.

Fri July 23rd 5:54 pm from Todd Turner "Hello sir"

Todd, You just missed me before I went up north for the weekend. How was your weekend? Let's get together sometime this week. Maybe go swimming if the weather is nice.

Sat July 24th 3:09 am from Twitter KingJames: I swear I love my bro @oneandonlycp3!! Nuff said

Noone was questioning it, LeBron. Or should we?

Sat July 24th 11:50 am from Facebook Dan Herman to you and 7 others:

Hey all,

I found out yesterday that Four Peaks' Pumpkin Porter is going to be released on...(reply "n" for next)

Oh, fuck this is one of those cliffhangers. When does it get released? WHEN DOES IT GET RELEASED?! click

Sat July 24th 12:44 pm from Stensby Your voice mail sucks.

I hardly ever use it. What sucks about it? [Ed note. Stensby didn't even leave me a voice mail.]

Sat July 24th 7:50 pm from Hayley Doyle What route do ppl use to bike to dan's?

I'm sorry I didn't get this message until it was way too late. I like the way that takes you through Kenwood and along the bike path to Penn Ave. Link

Need A Go-Go Girl Who Dance Like Lady Gaga

Last night I went to a Lady Gaga-themed 30th birthday party for a friend. Attendees were encouraged to dress like Gaga or in Gaga-inspired outfits. Some people took their direction from Gaga videos and replicated the bubble outfit or the Diet Coke rollers. Other people simply wrapped themselves in electrical tape or something sparkly because nothing which is aware and celebrates its oddness is really un-Gaga. I myself took the four aces and a joker from a deck of cards and stuck them to my forehead with double-stick tape.

It all relates to a simple truth. Like or dislike her music (I personally like it), it would be pretty difficult to deny Gaga's influence as a cultural force. In the last two years she has released 8 new singles and 7 of them have been top 10 hits with the most recent being the Isla Bonita-esque "Alejandro." What distinguishes Gaga as a cultural force is that each video is a envelope-pushing production and the new video is no exception.

In her early videos, she celebrated rockstar-like Midwest partying, L.A. decadence and, like a good New Yorker, New York. Then came the dual turning points of "Paparazzi" and "Bad Romance" where the now-famous Gaga began making insider points/mocking the celebrity culture which now enveloped her. By the time "Telephone" and its unabashed product placements arrived Gaga was both ensconced in the business-side of things while winking at us from the art-for-arts-sake side. How "Alejandro" distiguishes itself from Gaga's earlier videos is the type of iconography it choses to ape.



It's disappointing to me Gaga's first foray from what she'd done well with into new turf didn't take her anywhere interesting. Gone are American influences as Gaga draws from an even deeper pool. Unfortunately the influences she draws are the tired and worn-out trifecta of Fascism, Catholicism and Victorianism. If she's feeling restricted from producing her art (and quite unworthily so) the play isn't to recycle cliche. Even if it reads as unintentional homage to Madonna, it's a rare misstep from Gaga and hopefully one she doesn't soon duplicate.

So why didn't it work? I'd offer this as a simple possibility. We Americans have our cultural feet placed deep one-each into two cultural pools: that of Europe and that of Africa. Gaga represents an excellent balance between those two cultural pools. It's not a stretch to call her music techno or to call it R&B. Some may look down their rock critic noses at dance pop here in the Anglosphere but dance music is what makes the rest of the world move. You could play "Alejandro" in an international setting and not seem over-reaching or out-of-place in either Stockholm or Malawi. Gaga's American melting pot is what distinguished her from other also-rans. I put forth the video doesn't work because it tilts to formalism while forgetting about that world-moving sensation of dancing.

The truth is Gaga is one of only two American popular artists who have actual credibility within all but the shrewdly discriminating of our culture. If her career follows the arc of Justin Timberlake's (an artist who has his own internationally-infused songs), she'll be just fine.