What's Up Goat?

In the wake of dropping the journo-style and not yet ready to start talking about the really personal stuff, I was racking my brains trying to come up with an interesting topic. I was standing at the mirror brushing my teeth when I saw the perfect topic staring right back at me.

One of the things that I've done a pretty good job avoiding in my lifetime [1] is making questionable choices with my appearance. I've adopted a very Lutheran "don't do anything at all to keep from sinning" approach to long or dyed hair, piercings, tattoos, etc. I even dress conservatively to keep from getting singled out. My philosophy is this. I'd rather not be labelled as a freak based upon my appearance. I'd rather that someone has to get to know me before they figure out that I'm a weirdo.

The one weak spot in my plan [2] is facial hair. I will wear the shit out of a beard. I'd like to say it's because I subscribe to an earlier model of masculinity which endorsed facial hair. That wouldn't be truthful. [3] It's more that sometimes I go a few days without shaving and I just kind of keep on going not shaving. Sometimes it becomes a really sweet beard, sometimes it becomes an excellent Sunday Stache. [4]

So with my current office-less employment and the early hour I have to be "there", I had a full palate of facial hair to work with last Sunday. First I cut off the underside. Then I went long the jawline. Finally I cut the cheeks because they always get itchy. Then I stopped. What it left me with is a goatee. [5]

Now there's really only one reason to wear facial hair that still requires the maintenance of regular shaving. You want to look cool. Which isn't always the case. When it's done right, it's very right. When it's done wrong, it's very wrong. There is no middle ground. You either look awesome or like a total tool. [6] But, like I said, my current employment is office-less so my Sunday Goatee became a Why Not All Week? Goatee.

Now I have two lengths of facial hair. There is the goatee which is now two weeks old and the rest covering the cheeks and jawline which is a week old. [7] I'm thinking I'll keep it for now and let it grow. It's going to turn cold here in Minnesota soon and having a beard is a good thing in the winter. Also all of my friends are sporting beards and this will give me a lead on Grow-vember. I mean, growing a beard is normally what people do while rededicating their lives, right? You're damn right. [8]

[1] Along with low door frames and tiger attack.
[2] Save for an earring I had for a year and then forgot about.
[3] Actually my model of being a man is more like this.
[4] When you don't shave for a whole week and then make hilarious shapes in your facial hair as you shave it on Sunday, especially when you wear it that way all day to be funny.
[5] Which is actually a Van Dyke. Like the word "irony", the dictionary definition of "goatee" differs from its real world application.
[6] Dumas, Ariel. "Don't Grow a Goatee, Mike." (1998)
[7] Still shaving the neck. Ladies, if you think in-grown hairs suck on your legs, imagine them on your throat.
[8] You should see the html of this entry. It's a little busy.