Saturday, March 21, 2009

The Story of LeBron James Herman

LeBron James Herman began her life under humble means. The youngest of four littermates LeBron was born to a single mother illegitimately and out of wedlock. Because she was the youngest it often fell to LeBron to help her mother complete such household tasks as folding the laundry, rinsing the dishes and sometimes caring for her three siblings who were just minutes older. But there lived inside her a simple dream. LeBron James Herman was going to be the first female canine President.

Adopted by rank strangers in 2009, LeBron began her campaign for President almost immediately. She was comfortable with the face-to-face person-canine contact required of all great candidates. Able to switch quickly from barking for attention to overwhelming her constituents with playful licks to the face, LeBron was a natural at winning people to her side.

"Awwwwwwww," said local voter Marie Johnson. "Who's a cute puppy? Yes, you are. Yes, you are."

In 2010, LeBron attended law school at the University of Minnesota. She studied constitutional law to get a firm handle on the advanced principles she'd need later in her political career. An excellent student from the first day, LeBron showed an aptitude which was unexpected.

"I have to admit this shit to you." explains U of M law professor John Hamburg. "When LeBron wandered past the door of the classroom, then back in front of the doorway and then kind of hesitantly entered the room and fucking cocked her head expectantly, I thought, 'Whose fucking dog is this?'. Then I realized this dog was in the fucking class like a goddamn straight-to-video Disney movie."

LeBron was on the dean's list her entire academic career and graduated summa cum laude in 2012. Shortly afterward she began working for a local Minneapolis special interest group where she showed herself to be a prodigious talent. She successfully lobbied for increased parks funding, school lunch programs and the introduction of the two-hour midday nap.

In 2013, LeBron began to address her ultimate goal of a political career. Setting her sights on the Minneapolis mayorship, she campaigned night and day (minus two hours) by ringing doorbells and appearing with local celebrities in a full-court press unheard of previously.

"The crazy thing is you think, 'This is just unhuman,'," says campaign manager Inez Munoz. "Then you remember LeBron is a dog and it really is unhuman. She has a secret well of doggie power which gives her an extra gear she can go into and just blow people away."

Elected by a landslide, LeBron's time in Minneapolis was short. With her eyes set to Washington, she accepted the Governor's 2014 invitation to replace resigning Senator Al Franken who was leaving to pursue a career in something else I don't know what. Six months later the people of Minnesota concurred with the governor's decision and elected to another six years in office.

Still LeBron's gaze cast higher with 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue as her ultimate goal. She quickly formed an exploratory committee and announced her candidacy in late 2015. Often winning debates by barking until her opponent was quieted (How you like them apples?) and garnering endorsements from both sides of the aisle, LeBron was swept into office on a tidal wave of voter support.

"There was the fucking-shit-ass matter of whether you counted her age in dog years or in fucking people years," says Hamburg. "Then it occurs to you she knew this was an issue and was fucking thinking ahead all the fucking way back in 2010. I mean, fuck."

The LeBron Administration created broad initiatives such as no-leash laws, an end to animal testing and the flat tax. A firm believer in term limits, LeBron stuck by her ideals and served only one term in office before retiring from public life in 2020. She returned to the home of her adoptive strangers where she lived out the rest of her days just chillin' doooood. Shortly after her 14th birthday she went to live on some farm somewhere or something where she could chase tennis balls or something. Dan couldn't explain it very well through the tears so I'm confused, especially since we don't have cousins on Dad's side who own a farm.

"Yes, you are," recalls Johnson. "Just so cute. Sooooooo cute."

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

5(+1) Questions About Watchmen (NO SPOILERS)

One of the joys of living in Chicago for the last two years was meeting, befriending and seeing a metric ton of movies with Miss Mary Kravenas. We met when I worked briefly at a book-seller in Evanston and bonded over our love of all things nerdy, geeky and comic book-related.

In fact, we have one of the best origin stories of any friendship. One day on the train into the city I read an ad saying Amy Sedaris would be signing copies of her new book at the Michigan Ave. Borders near my office. We decided we would go and took our place pretty far back in line when we arrived after work. So far back it took us until past midnight to reach the head of the line. Anyone you can spend six and a half hours in line with and have a deliriously happy good time is surely a true friend.

Mary was fortunate enough to see a preview screening of "Watchmen" tonight and when she got home, I asked her five spoiler-free questions about the film.



Mike: Okay, first question. The one every fanperson is worried about. Is it good?

Mary: Yes, and one of the people I went with was unaware of the graphic novel and he enjoyed it a lot.

Mike: Does the movie have the feel of the graphic novel or is it an entity unto itself?

Mary: It has the feel of the graphic novel. But it definitely has the cinematic feel too, much like "300" where the hong kong action film, turn-and-pivot filmmaking is present.



And the use of some of the actors--namely the dwarf actor who's in, well, everything, brought some unintended humor, I think. There were definite cheers and applause

Mike: Peter Dinklage?

Mary: No, let me find his name. He was in Seinfeld... Danny Woodburn



Mike: Malin Ackerman. Was she okay? Please be honest.

Mary: She did a good job. She kicks ass as Silk Spectre. There were some parts as Laurie where it was a little soft. The Night Owl/Silk Spectre sex scene made me roll my eyes a little.

Mike: Related to that. Did the filmmakers have the um... guts to include Dr. Manhattan's um... bits?

Mary: Yes, uncircumcised and everything. I haven't seen that much wang in a movie that didn't have an NC-17 rating.



Mike: Finally everyone worth their salt knows the Giant Squid is out. Did the replacement ending live up to it?

Mary: Well, it's no Giant Squid. There were parts of the replacement ending that I feel worked well. Because this is a movie, I think the changes that were made to the ending worked and made the ending and how things tie together/are explained more... realistic isn't quite the word.

Also there are a couple of elements that were very "Hollywood." There are going to be quibbles. If the movie could just end a couple minutes earlier I think some reviewers would've been happier. I don't know that I agreed completely with some of the thinking on the ending. There is a parallel to some recent movies.

But in an overall sense, I think the new ending worked for the movie. Even if I didn't agree with it completely.

Mike: Anything else to say?

Mary: There are some great choices of music like when Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" is played during the Nite Owl/SS2 sex scene which made me snort. And Jackie Earl Haley is brilliant.



Mike: Mary, thanks a lot for putting a lot of my fears to bed.

Mary: You're welcome. It's not a perfect movie. But it's really good.